From: Office of the Prime Minister of India
Dear brothers and sisters (if you are a “they” or “them” transgender, please consult your human rights defender, and good luck finding a vaccine)…
From Narendra Damodardas Modi Ji Yoga Cave, Namaste!
The PM hates frivolous press conferences. He prefers to speak directly to India’s 1.2 billion people (1.4 billion if you count those troublesome Muslim infiltrators). For the rest of you, especially the 40 million Christians whose safety has recently been the subject of unnecessary guesswork, the PM has an important message for 2022.
Let’s start with the priorities.
First, Santa Claus is real. And sadly, he is a threat to India’s national security – a threat we are urgently addressing. Much like those Muslims, who shrewdly seduced our daughters, this man from Saint Nick lures the most vulnerable in society into wickedness and dilutes the identity of our great nation.
In this election year, we must be strong and fair.
As if we were in Kashmir. After effectively annexing them and reducing their autonomy, we now have to deal with the Kashmir separatists with a brilliant, census-defying electoral remapping. But Santa’s blatant proselytizing is simply unacceptable to us – and even though our Constitution guarantees religious freedom – it is finally time to pass reforming religious laws that guarantee our people’s inevitable return to the lie of non-Hindu religions.
So, as we consolidate our political grip, our message is simple: diversity is overrated. It is a remnant of the colonial era. Do not change your beliefs – unless you intend to return to your original faith, Hinduism, the oldest religion on Earth.
Now for some holiday updates. We are proud to report that to keep these crusaders under control, dedicated members of our ranks took no time off and attended to important BusinessThey went on a frenzy to burn Santa Claus, smashed the statue of his friend Jesus and even burned the Bible, while calling for decisive action against those who strayed from the right path.
Also, in keeping with the spirit of the holidays, we’ve cast aside another so-called saint: This overrated charity of Mother Teresa has been punished for her relentless subversion of our state. And other liberal-leaning, foreign-funded NGOs have also been held back.
There are no saints in India, Only sick souls, as our party likes to call them. We’ve already taken care of bleeding hearts with a bit of high-tech espionage. Now we also come for the harlots.
Unfortunately, many of you say you are troubled by these measures. But modernization is not Westernization. That is why one of our first steps when elected was to introduce Hindu textbooks for schools. What if we let the “N-word” be printed on it? What if other religions were not mentioned? Secularism smacks of Gandhi’s failed idealism! It’s time for India to move on.
Let us be true to our national cause and destiny. The days of discreet dog whistling are over. Our momentum must continue. Our message has global appeal! It’s time to teach liberal Santa Claus fans, agrarian pests, journalists, comedians and treacherous cricket fans a lesson.
It will be a year of construction and growth. Even though we’ve lost just over five million siblings to COVID, the highest number in the world, we’re confident omicron won’t be as bad as delta. That’s why super-spreader events, like our campaign rallies, are going to do just fine.
Finally, our economy is back on track, despite what opponents say. Our international hug campaign is paying off. The Americans, desperate to attack China, yearn for an alliance with us. With Afghanistan and Myanmar exploding, and Hong Kong and Taiwan angering, these cowboys need us more than we need them!
Why do you think that even though the Russians are lavishing weapons on us, and the whole world is following our cover strategy, Washington doesn’t bother to trigger sanctions? Instead, it adds us to their alliances.
And, let’s not forget: their last leader, my good friend Trump, said he “is a big fan of Hinduism” before he said he was a fan of India! Imagine what can happen if he returns in 2024!
So accept the truth. There is no term limit in India. The opposition is in the doldrums. And we are predicted to win the upcoming and very important state elections.
So even though the weakest among you might want to seek asylum and leave, but just like the wealth gap, the vaccination rate and the caste system, we’re not going anywhere.